How to Create a No-Spoiler Version of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. Part 4

I grew up watching the Star Wars Prequels and love them to no end, but I will admit that they’re flawed films. The fan base has, subsequently, provided a host of suggestions and proposals on how to fix or rewrite the Prequels. I’m sympathetic to that effort, but I want to go further.

I’ve become slightly obsessed with the idea of a ‘no-spoiler’ prequel trilogy. A version of the films that would allow new fans to watch the entire saga in chronological order without spoiling any of the twists or reveals of the original trilogy. It will be difficult to do, but if it’s possible, it would be awesome.

I’ve been trying to do just that. I’ve previously set out a series of rules for the rewrite and have completed an outline of the Phantom Menace.

Currently, I’m working on a no-spoiler outline of Attack of the Clones. In part 2, I outlined the opening scene of Episode 2: a peace conference on Alderaan that gets attacked, with Naboo Senator Padme Amidala as the clear target. In part 3, I outlined the aftermath and discussed Obi-Wan and Anakin’s dynamic. In part 4, I’m going to have them fight a monster.

Obi-Wan and Anakin Fight a Monster

The episode 2 introduction of Anakin and Obi-Wan sees them bickering in a lift. They primarily talk about Padme, but also mention dealing with a nest of Gundarks (an alien monster). Anakin says that Obi-Wan fell into the nest and had to be rescued by him. I’d kind of like to see that. So while the lift scene will still appear, for their introductory scene, I’m going to have Obi-Wan and Anakin on a distant planet, fighting a monster. Brief monster-oriented rest bites from politics are part of the course for Star Wars; it happens a lot in the original trilogy. Importantly, this will help establish Anakin and Obi-Wan’s friendship.

The monsters don’t necessarily have to be Gundarks, though. The monster fight could be tied into the overall narrative by making the monster a half-organic, half-machine cyborg creation of the Mega Corporations. That would help explain the Jedi’s opposition to them. There could be a very brief line, after the fight, about the monster being a Techno Union experiment that went wrong, and which was subsequently dumped on a rural pro-Republic world. But just one or two lines, nothing excessive.

The sequence should still involve Anakin rescuing Obi-Wan, though. It’ll make for a fun, light-hearted action sequence and is a pretty good way to set up their dynamic. It should involve a lot of sarcastic banter. That said, it should still be a relatively brief scene. It’s a warranted and (hopefully) exciting addition, but the film should be kept as tight as possible. The scene should start mid-sequence (we don’t need to see how they got into the situation) and, as stated, should involve Anakin rescuing Obi-Wan.

After Palpatine’s decision in the previous scene (assigning Obi-Wan and Anakin as Padme’s bodyguards) the Chancellor can say the two Jedi are currently dealing with a crisis in the Outer Rim, but will be back soon. The film can then cut to a pro-Republic, Outer Rim world where, in a large and dark cave, Obi-Wan is hanging upside down, in an explicit reference to the ice cave scene from The Empire Strikes Back. It’s like poetry, it rhymes! I’m imagining Obi-Wan being held from his ankle by a robotic tentacle, directly above the monster’s mouth. Far from concerned, he should be mildly vexed by the situation.

The scene could open with Obi-Wan, unsure where Anakin is, vaguely calling out to the cave. He could say something along the lines of: “I really thought I was smarter than this. Wherever you are, Anakin, this would be a good moment to intervene,” whilst being slowly lowered towards the creature’s mouth. Meanwhile, Anakin can be sneaking through the cave, hiding behind pillars and climbing to higher ground. He should have a big grin on his face, clearly enjoying himself.

In a more explicit reference to The Empire Strikes Back (because it’s like poetry), Obi-Wan should spot his lightsaber on the far side of the cave and reach out to it with the force. It shouldn’t work, though. The lightsaber can start to move, but the cyborg monster, sensing something, should lurch to one side, with a robotic tentacle hitting the cave ceiling and causing rocks to fall. This will break Obi-Wan’s concentration and cause him to miss his lightsaber.

The goal of the prequel trilogy should be to enhance the original films. That goes double for a no-spoiler version that’s meant to be watched in chronological order, before the originals. Placing Obi-Wan in a similar situation to Luke’s ice cave scene, but having him fail to get his lightsaber, will hopefully make it more impactful when Luke later succeeds in getting his lightsaber during said ice cave scene.

Anakin, who by this point should have climbed to a relatively high alcove/rocky balcony above the monster, can then jump into action. He should try to save Obi-Wan in the most reckless and needlessly heroic way possible. I imagine leaping towards the monster, with lightsaber in hand, severing the robotic tentacle that is holding Obi-Wan.

Anakin should then land on the cave floor by doing a forward roll and quickly moving into a fighting stance, every bit the hero. Obi-Wan, by contrast, should hit the ground with a grunt, climb back to his feet and use the force to retrieve his lightsaber. He should then make a sarcastic joke about Anakin’s tactics, to which Anakin can respond with a comment about Obi-Wan’s distress. Again, Anakin should be really enjoying himself.

The actual fight scene should be relatively brief. The cyborg monster will retaliate, attacking the Jedi with its remaining limbs. Obi-Wan and Anakin, swinging their lightsabers, will stave off the robot tentacles until Obi-Wan (who does need to be shown as competent) throws his lightsaber at the cave ceiling. This will cause several more rocks to fall and crush the monster. Obi-Wan can then turn to Anakin, retrieving his lightsaber with the force, and make a sarky comment about his tactics being better. Anakin will just laugh.

A Brief Continuity Scene

After defeating the monster, there should be a brief scene of Anakin and Obi-Wan walking away from the cave. This is more for continuity than anything else. Anakin can ask if the nearby village will be safe, and Obi-Wan will say yes. The stuff about the Techno Union can be included here. Obi-Wan should say that the monster was a corporate experiment and that, when they lost control, they dumped it on a pro-Republic world. “But there was only one monster. The people will be safe now.” Anakin should reply in quite a dark tone, contrasting with his previous excitement, that they won’t be safe if the Separatists attack.

They should be intercepted on their walk by R2-D2, beeping loudly. Anakin will immediately recognise it as R2 (to be in keeping with Clone Wars canon, as per my outlined rules), but, for bonus points, Obi-Wan shouldn’t be sure. He could say something like, “Is that the Astromech we brought with us, or is it from the village? Theirs were very similar.” I’m including this primarily to explain why Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to recognise R2 in A New Hope.

Anakin, however, will confirm it’s R2 and crouch down to speak to him. As a side note, I imagine Anakin would be able to understand R2’s beeping without the need for a translator. Obi-Wan will ask what the droid is saying, and Anakin can respond that they’ve received a message from the Jedi High Council; they’re being recalled to Coruscant to protect a Senator. Obi-Wan will ask which Senator, and Anakin, slightly surprised, will say that it’s Padme. In my version of Episode 1, Anakin and Padme were childhood friends.

End of Part 4

In part 5, before the lift scene and the reunion with Padme, I want to include a brief scene with Count Dooku and the Confederacy of Independent Systems. I think it’ll make the film easier to follow.

-Dexter