Time to drop the pretence. I’m kidding myself if I don’t think I’m making a Mario timeline. I didn’t intend to make one, but here we are.

Let’s talk about Mario 64 DS.

The first and second Mushroom Wars occur, respectively, during the original Super Mario Bros. and New Super Mario Bros. series. In those dark times, the Mushroom Kingdom and Koopa Kingdom fought each other openly. Castles were besieged, kingdoms were invaded, and Peach was kidnapped (a lot). But between those conflicts, there was a cold war characterised by weird shenanigans and proxy conflicts.

Mario 64 and the Mushroom-Koopa Cold War

The first noteworthy confrontation of the Cold War occurred on Yoshi’s Island during Super Mario World. The game’s manual declares that the war ended during Super Mario Bros 3. But the first great shenanigan of the Mushroom-Koopa Cold War occurred during the events of Super Mario 64. I’m calling it a Cold War shenanigan instead of a Mushroom vs Koopa fighting war for a couple of reasons.

First, Yoshi is in it, which means it has to be set after Super Mario World (which introduced Yoshi) and, therefore, takes place after the First Mushroom War. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island does retcon this a bit. It introduces Yoshi earlier in Mario’s story (when he’s a baby). This might allow Mario 64 to occur before Super Mario World, as Yoshi’s friendship with Mario is already established. But it would not explain his relationship with the Mushroom Kingdom. Any Yoshi-Mushroom alliance is best explained by the events of Super Mario World (when Mushroom forces saved Yoshi’s Island). So, 64 must take place afterwards.

Second, Bowser is not properly invading the Mushroom Kingdom during 64 and doesn’t really try to capture Peach either. Instead, he puts a curse on the Mushroom Kingdom and imprisons everyone, Peach included, within the magical paintings. That sounds more like a shenanigan than a war. He’s just making trouble.

Mario 64 DS

I said this was about Mario 64 DS, not regular Mario 64. That’s because I’m committing sacrilege.

I’ve previously said that to make a Mario Timeline coherent, remakes should act as retcons. That means, in this timeline, the DS remake of 64 should retcon the original and, frankly, better version. That’s probably a contentious sentiment. The DS version adds a lot of new content and I’m personally nostalgic for all things DS. But the game has problems: the new content is often unnecessary, and the control scheme is terrible. The original version is better and retconning it seems wrong.

Rules are meant to be broken, and these are video games with no actual interconnected or complex story, so there’s no point in being dogmatic about my self-imposed rules. But I’m sticking with them anyway! I disappoint even myself. In my timeline, the DS version will retcon the original (don’t hate me). I do have reasons for this.

Most notably, the DS version adds more playable characters: Luigi, Wario and Yoshi. This makes for a better story, even if it’s not a better game. In the original version, Mario goes to the castle because he’s been offered a slice of cake and then gets told, at the end, that he has to make the cake (the nerve of it!). But in the DS version, he brings Luigi and Wario, who presumably also want some of the non-existent cake.

Only Mario had been invited by Peach in her opening letter, which means that Luigi and Wario were probably invited by Mario himself (a tad rude that). This requires explanation. It makes sense for Mario to bring Luigi. They’re brothers, and Luigi is also a hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. But why would he bring Wario? Their relationship is usually antagonistic, and Wario probably doesn’t care about the Mushroom Kingdom. So why is he there?

Unless, of course, they’re not really there for cake. Especially since the cake does not exist.

Here’s my thinking

As the cold war between Peach and Bowser escalates, Peach gathers her best warriors and allies to discuss the Koopa threat. Mario is asked to bring a team of warrior plumbers to the meeting. The offer of a cake, which, to repeat, does not exist, is a cover used to prevent Bowser from discovering the secret meeting.

Wario is present because he’s a skilled warrior and will fight for whoever pays him. He doesn’t like Mario or the Mushroom Kingdom, but he does like their coins. Yoshi is present because, as above, the Mushroom Kingdom has recently allied with Yoshi’s island. He’s representing the island’s interests. The DS Versus mode further suggests that multiple Yoshis were present at the castle (most of them were presumably trapped by the curse during the main story). This adds credence to the Mushroom-Yoshi alliance; an entire delegation of Yoshis is present.

Despite the careful use of code words, however, Bowser still learns of the meeting and attempts to disrupt it with his curse. Luckily, the combined strength of the warrior plumbers and Yoshis is sufficient to overcome his scheme.

DS Timeline Placement

The DS version also helps with timeline placements. The game still occurs after Super Mario World, but including Wario allows for greater specificity. It has to occur after Mario Land 2, which introduces Wario and his antagonistic relationship with Mario, and before Mario Land 3: Wario Land. In that game, Wario faces a band of pirates in the hope of acquiring funds to buy a castle. He ultimately retrieves a valuable Peach Statue from the pirates, which Mario then swoops in and steals. This act, which probably denied Wario a lot of money, would sour him against Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom. He’s unlikely to keep working with them after such a double cross! So, Mario 64 DS must take place before it.

I reckon that the pirates of Wario Land, who first stole the Peach Statue, were proxies of Bowser, hired to cause problems for the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach then hired Wario during Mario 64 DS to fight the pirates and retrieve the statue. Wario Land is a Mushroom-Koopa proxy war. Not trusting Wario to actually return the statue, however, Mario was dispatched at the last moment to get it back. Feeling betrayed, Wario breaks off his employment with Peach. Hence the lack of subsequent team-ups.

In summary

Mario 64 DS occurs during the early stages of the Mushroom-Koopa Cold War. It details a major strategy meeting in which all the Mushroom Kingdom’s heroes and allies assembled under the cover of having some non-existent cake. Bowser still learns of the meeting and attempts to disrupt it with a weird magical curse which the assembled heroes overcome.

These events occur after Super Mario World, during which the Cold War began, and the Mushroom Kingdom formed an alliance with Yoshi’s Island. It further occurs between the events of Mario Land 2 and 3, during Wario’s brief employment with the Mushroom Kingdom. The game also references Luigi’s mansion, so it’s probably set afterwards, but I’m not sure about that yet.

That’s all I got.

-Dexter